


I Meant It Every Time I Said I Loved You

by Capspandex



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Cuddling, M/M, MacDrouin, inspired by a song, lowkey sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-09-26 05:03:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9864083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Capspandex/pseuds/Capspandex
Summary: Back in high school when we were talking late from 10, staying up until 3am, just friends || or the macdrouin fic inspired by The Other Side by Tonight Alive





	

**Author's Note:**

> This song has just sort of always reminded me of the pairing (if you haven't listened to it I highly reccomend) I hope you enjoy and if there's errors it's because I didn't beta.

_I was back in high school when, we were talking late from ten, staying up until 3am, just friends_

Jo and Nate had been best friends since they were in Halifax together and would text all night, or stay over at each other's houses all weekend. Jo never forgot their dumb text conversations on shitty old cell phones, and Nate never forgot the sleepovers, if you will. 

**_September 9th, 2012_ **

_1:27am_

**Nate:** hey

**Jo:** hey

**Nate:** shocked ur still up this late 

**Jo:** always waiting for you text me, it's like I can't go to sleep without it anymore 

**Nate:** aw

**Jo:** It's a miracle I've stayed up this late I'm so tired

**Nate:** I love that u stayed up for me lol  <3

**Jo:** i love you

**Nate:** I love you too

**Jo:** <3

**Nate:** go to bed idiot, you're clearly about to anyway

**Jo:** goodnight  <333

-

Nate always remembered the more personal times they shared. Jo would almost always spends fridays and/or Saturdays at his house. They would watch hockey and movies and binge on stupid tv shows. They would talk and talk and talk about nothing, yet they were taking about something. That's what Nate loved about jo, he always entertained him. 

 

_you didn't have your license yet_

Jo just didn't have a driver's license, so Nate would always have to drive him. They were pretty codependent anyway and Nate really didn't mind the company. He loved seeing Jo's stupid lustrous brown eyes sitting atop deep purple dark circles and his brunette hair was a floofy mess. Jo would always get in the car, Nate would fix his hair, and they'd drive to practice usually in full gear. Nate lived for these little moments and cherished them for the rest of his life. 

_we would lie under sunsets, without a single worry yet, just friends_

Jo always loved to think about when he first met Nate how they immediately clicked. One night they went out on a hillside and just watched the sunset and held hands. Jo rested his head in the crook of Nate's neck as the stars came out and he wished he could've been stuck there forever. 

_and you would let me cut your hair, I thought about you everywhere, I haven't been the same since then, just friends_

Jo remembers cutting Nate's stupidly long and curly blonde hair and Nate being the sole thing on his mind. He remembers all the night shared together, just alone, in love, and too scared to admit it. 

_every time I ran, I ran to you_

Jo always ran back and back and back to Nate. He knew Nate rarely slept and he knew he was reachable and approachable. He always talked to him. Nate was his 2am conversation and 7am ride. He would always go to Nate's house, he would always run back to him, at the draft, when they see each other, always. 

_I meant it every time I said I loved you_

Maybe Nathan MacKinnon loved Jonathan Drouin more than he thought, just maybe. When he said he loved jo he meant he loved every part of him: his fluffy brunette hair, his deep brown eyes, his dark circles, his chapped and pastel lips, his loving and funny personality, his 2am texts, his perfect body, his stupid conversations, but most of all he was so deeply in love with just being with Jo. Every time they were together, Nate said "I love you", as if it was the last time, because he knew one day it would be. 

 

_I kiss the thought of you and I, i still regret the day that we said goodbye_

They'd kissed before, but they kissed the thought of being together. They knew it couldn't happen, they knew the NHL would break it up, and media is media. It was more of an internal struggle than anything though. Neither of them quite had the courage to take it to the next level above best friends fucking around and the two of them always wish they did because maybe post draft day wouldn't have been as painful if they did. 

_and do you think of me at night? I still wish we could've made it right, but we can't say that we never tried, i guess everything seems more clear on the other side_

Jo thinks about Nate a lot and often wonders if Nate thinks of him. He always thinks of Nate after a win, because nothing was like winning with Nate. He wishes and wishes and wishes he and Nate could've worked something out, but both of them are still hopelessly trying. Sometimes jo thinks it just wasn't meant to be, no matter what his heart tells him. 

_i left you at the station where, I would cry and watch you stare, out of the window as you left, just friends_

Nate hates to think about the day he and jo were truly seperated. It was midsummer and training camp begun for both of their teams. Jo's flight left before Nate's did and remember's waving to him as the plane took off as he fought back tears. The realization hit him so hard, that this was the end except for little rare moments and national teams if they were lucky enough. His flight took off and he did everything in his power to just focus on nothing but hockey, and he made the team. 

_I called you from a payphone. I'm out of the country but I'm fine, I just miss you all the time, just friends_

Jo put a few Canadian cents into the payphone and dialed Nate's number desperately. The muscle memory of it was still there and he just needed someone to talk to. He prayed Nate would pick up and understand he had to call him from a payphone because his new American phone didn't work in Canada without ridiculous fees. 

"Hello, who is this?", Nate said. 

"It, it's Jo", jo said. 

"Did you get a new number?"

"No, I didn't make it on the team and i came home for a bit"

"I'm, I'm so sorry"

"I miss you so much", he fought back tears. 

"I miss you too", Nate had almost forgot about it because he was so focused on hockey. It's what made him forget about it and he realized Jo didn't do that, his hockey was sloppy because his mind was too. 

"I, I, I love you", jo choked out holding back tears. 

"I love you too", Nate was really holding back tears as he said that, it was like a burden coming off of his shoulders. 

Nate just sat and listened to Jo's tears and comforted him. He wished he could be there, and he couldn't. The NHL really sucks sometimes, he thought. 

_every time i ran, i ran to you_

In his first year on the avs, Nate constantly felt himself running back to jo. He'd text and call him, even though they both knew distance was a bitch pulling them apart. He would 'stalk' Jo's social media and constantly think about him. He constantly considered flying to Syracuses sometimes just to see jo. All he wanted to hold him in his arms again and he couldn't. Nate always blocked these thoughts with hockey and the hopes of the biggest prize, a Stanley Cup to his name, and maybe one day, his team. 

_I meant it every time I said I loved you_

Although Nate was usually first to say "I love you", jo said it his fair amount of times too. He loved everything about Nate. He loved his gorgeous blonde hair, perfect cut jawline and cheekbones, his blue eyes that shined like the sky and the ocean all at once, his beautifully carved body, and his caring and ambitious personality. He was so thankful for Nate in his life and saying "I love you", almost felt like it wasn't enough to show how grateful he was. 

_I kissed the thought of you and I, I still regret the day that we said goodbye_

Jo always thought, and even fantasizes about being with Nate. He just let reality and his own fears hold him back. He loved Nate with every part of him, but he was too young and dumb to know how to handle it. He missed Nate so much. He sometimes wishes they were drafted and could magically still be 16 year old dumbasses on the Halifax Mooseheads again. 

_and do you think of me at night, I still wish we could've made it right_

Nate always thought about jo, and wondered if jo thought of him. What crossed his mind the most was if things went the way he always wanted, would they be where they are today. The hypothetical made his mind boggle and dream that they could be the next Suter and Parise. 

_but we can't say that we never tried, I guess everything seems more clear on the other side, here on the other side_

They really did try. Neither of them had enough courage to work up how they felt. Nate even described it as "internet dating" and sometimes only wishes that was true because of how much he thinks of Jo. Then he makes the cold hard realization that if he didn't block Jo out with hockey he wouldn't have been the rookie he was or even make the team. 

_and there were so many things I wanted to say, but I was a mess and you moved away_

Jo came close to telling Nate how he felt after the start of the 2014 season but every single time he argued with himself he got the same conclusion that it was worthless. He was an emotional wreck and acted out like a brat during that season. He told himself it was just a reaction to Nate. All he wanted to do was visit Nate, but he couldn't and that filled him with angst. He just wanted to be safe in Nate's strong arms. 

_and I think of all the times you were right, I wish I could explain_

Jo also thinks about the advice Nate gave him throughout the years. He thinks of everything Nate told him whether it was helpful or whether it made him smile. He wishes he could call Nate so often and tell him this, but being torn away for so long makes things hard and awkward. 

 

_cause every time i ran, i ran to you_

They were always running after each other. They were always stalking each other's social media, sneaking in a painfully awkward DM, text, or phone call. Both of them had the secret desire to be in each other's arms again, tangled under bed sheets and seeing each other in the most soft, vulnerable state. They had the desire and urge for those three am conversations and stupid "I love you's" and holding hands under the sunset. That's all they both wanted and neither of them could express it. 

_I meant it every time I said I loved you_

Even in those awkward DMs when one of them would 'accidentally' slip it, it was meant and they both knew it. Every time from the day they met on social media every "I love you" said meant something. The first one was awkward and hopeless and cute, like a stupid romcom. The last one in person at the airport was sad and moving, carrying a heavy weight. And every single one in between whether it was after a rough loss, a late night, a nice goal, or a championship win, it meant something and that's what was so special. 

_I kissed the thought of you and I_

It was unhealthy sometimes how much they both thought of each other without the other knowing. Nate sometimes thought about what it would be like to call Jo his, and his only. Jo thought about what it would be like knowing he's the one who would cuddle up into Nate's chest every time (in a perfect world of course), and wake up to his groggy voice and cloudy blue eyes. It's a sight he only dreamed of and kept to himself. 

_I still regret the day that we said goodbye_

The truth is there were two goodbyes. There was the draft. The draft was still so much togetherness though. They would get pictures together and share a room together and smile and laugh and giggle and be dumb kids together. They were still together and overjoyed at their shot in the NHL. The goodbye at the airport was the shaking one, the one that hurt them both differently. Nate thinks about that day and the regrets he has and the guilt and everything that came out of it. 

_and do you think of me at night, I still wish we couldn't made it right, but we can't say that we never tried_

They dream about each other and always think about sending that "im sorry" text and they can't do it. They had to do something more personal with it. 

_and if you're wondering, I'm great, I'm stronger now, but still the same_

_**December 27th, 2016** _

_Dear Nate,_

_It's jo. We haven't had a real conversation or any real interaction since team NA. I want to let you know you're always on my mind, I think of you, I miss you. I dream of being in your arms again and waking up to your messy blonde hair and perfect blue eyes, tangled under your gross comforter back in Halifax. I miss the days you drove me to practice. I miss getting advice from you at 3am. Sometimes I think you're what consumed my mind. Nathan MacKinnon, im still deeply in love with You._

_I know there's no denying you've moved on to bigger things than I have, and it's well deserved because you're truly an exceptional player. You're even exceptional enough to have played with Crosby and I do feel just a little bad your team sucks this year, of course so does mine, just not as badly. I'm glad I got to play with you on Team North America and reconnect a little bit, but it wasn't what I'd hoped. We didn't share the bed, we didn't stay up late. Maybe I'm just selfish for wanting that, but i miss you._

_Much love,_

_Jo Drouin._

_my love for you, it will remain, my friend_

**_January 29th, 2017_ **

 

_Dear Jonathan Drouin,_

_I hope you're happy to know I think about very much too. I agree we should have tried to reconnect more than we did back at the World Cup and it's one of my regrets. My biggest regret is trying to block you out and the weight of the emotions I felt from losing you to focus on hockey. I felt so much guilt knowing that me blocking you out was why I made the team and you being so upset by it it's why you didn't. For that, I am so deeply sorry. Please text me, I'm still up late and time zones are a thing anyway._

_Thanks for all the compliments about my hockey and maybe I'll even tell Sidney you say hi. Our teams sure look like they'll be getting some good draft picks this year. You're not selfish Jo, you're really not. Also you guys are playing us in February, so maybe we can meet and you can come to my place. If anything I'm the selfish one for doing what i did. I was a dick and i love you so so so so so much. I was young and dumb and wanted my thoughts of loving you to go away and you didn't want them. I'm sorry and I hope you know that. I love you._

_My love for you still remains._

_Your friend,_

_Nathan MacKinnon_


End file.
